Pre-wedding jitters?

So I am getting married, note the excitement, har de har, oh hell who am I kidding.

I absolutely hate planning and yet I hate to allow other people to plan for me. So no wedding planner for me, not like I can afford one anyway. I want things to be done my way, only my way, mine mine mine mine x thousand million times. Fucking selfish you say? but.it.is.my.wedding.so.fuck.off.

I know I am babbling but it fucking pisses me off when somebody without telling me that she has planned for bridesmaid for me, WITHOUT INFORMING ME. I don't even care if you are my future in law, dude, where is your courtesy man?? can't even inform the bride?

Honestly I would not have minded that much, if you would have just ask me earlier but to just drop a bomb on me like this, how dare you!

Ok now, I just have to figure out how to tell the BF that what his mother has plan for us without yelling at him or start a fight. Grrrrrr...

Regret and Disappointment

A good friend of mine just gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl last week, I remember I gave the tired new mummy a call offering congratulations and asking million of 'girlie' questions, but amidst all the 'girlie' chatter, I remember myself asking about education, lessons i.e music, sports, art classes, insurances etc etc. I felt myself growing older after the conversation and I wonder..about my own baby (future reference), about what I plan for him or her, would it be good enough? would it be what she/he wanted? Would they grow up and look back in regret? Regret about things that they think they should have done, wanted to learn but wasn't given a chance? Regret about words that has been tossed out carelessly during our heated arguments? Words that will slice through my heart?

Then I asked myself, how often have I look back? how often has all the hurt and regret creeping up back to my heart. Thinking back, isn't it easy to blame others rather than admiting your fault?

And now I am scared, worried that I would disappoint my children that I would not be able to provide them the best, the best of everything, doesn't matter that they are not the best in everything. I am scared that one day as my children grow older and they will tell me that "mummy I want to be a surgeon," and I would reply, " Good, you want to be a surgeon but .. but.. mummy can't afford your fees.."

And when they grow up, they will always look back in regret and disappointment.

Am I tired ..

It has been an absolutely tiring week, the weekend shopping continue by a 1 night trip to DC's hometown. And I have million of things to do before the photoshoot and being a champion of all procastinator, I have to leave all the things til the last minute.

Million of things that I am supposed to do to make myself glowing and 'fresh' for the photoshoot and now I have dark circle, eyebag and 2 huge pimples on my chin, bloody hell. And work has been hellish, thanks to 'someone', I have been running from meeting to another back to back until yesterday. Oh and I have been sleeping late..have to thanks Jackie Collins for the puffy dark circles.

Well, let me see what I have to do today..

1) Get a manicure and pedicure
2) Facial??? *got time??*
3) Buy some makeup water or something ..sheeshh I have to call to check, what do you call that water thingamajie anyway?
4) Shit..I forgotten about the shoes..
5) Bring the 2 baby for their 'spa'
6) Get detail drawing completed?? Oh..that doesn't matter anymore..does it?

Oh my God!!

*can finish?*

Recession, Oh Recession . .



Last year hasn't been fantastic for moi, Malaysian in general has not been hit by the recession wave just yet but I think moi is the most affected and the earliest to feel the pinch. And to see the things that you wanted the most was nearly within your grip, missing by milimetres, poof and gone, just like that. Sigh~



Anyway, things have yet to improve but I am still working towards it. I wish myself tons and truckful of lucks man!!

Man, I am getting old. Went partying last weekend, after a couple of hours dancing on my 3-inch baby, I got leg cramps and I felt nauseous after a couple of chivas AND the club was not even great.

Lately I have been thinking about going full-time into freelancing. I am not too sure about the money but at least I would get to choose my own job without having to take shits fr. everyone.

I have been thinking about quiting this one-man show company. I had enough. Enough of going through piles and piles of drawings on my own. No one could help. Enough of running around trying to fit in meetings, site supervision, correspondences and drawings into a one day schedule. There's only a certain amount of things I can do and it is stretching it really really thin.

Whatever happen to that fun carefree bitch?

I went shopping. During working hours.
I splurged on a new white 300bucks tote in 5minutes.
I almost wanna grab the gold coloured strappy heels that I have been eyeing on sometime.
I think that the new green floaty dress fr. Warehouse looks delicious.
I almost walk into G2000 when I saw the crispy white linen blouse with puffy sleeve.

It happen in between meetings.
I can't be left alone in a shopping complex unsupervised.
And I am supposed to be meeting D.C for some serious watch-hunting tonight in Midvalley.

God only knows how much damage that could cost . .-_-

Is 8.00o'clock, a day after Valentine's and CNY in another 2days and I am still stuck in my messy office cubicle while everyone is partying til chinese new year.

damn $!$%^&^&^$%&!@#!!!!!!!

shit, why do they always always have to do this to me>? why before chinese new year? All my head is throbbing now and I am supposed to pick D.C up in 5minutes to run some errand and of all days the 3D rendering has to render at the speed of a VERY VERY OLD SNAIL. 35surfaces and 15minutes for 1surface, when the hell is it going to finish raytracing?? when?? WHY NOW?

god and all the pressure about the company profit on me. all the heavy hints. shit. fine. 5minutes is up, I am out of the office.. adios!